If Only.....

In the days after the declaration of the results for tenth grade, a very disturbing message was doing the rounds of some social media sites. Apparently a 15-year-old had been declared to have failed in one of the subjects and was subjected to humiliation, when her school told her that she had brought ill-repute to her school. The girl unable to face the humiliation of being branded a failure committed suicide only to be declared to have passed the subject. What the message tried to tell us was that if only she had waited a few more days or maybe even a few more hours’ things may have been different. It would have been a tight slap in the faces of those who did not believe in her. Instead, it has become a lesson in how easily we give up in the face of adversity, leaving behind a family who struggles to deal with what could have been.

In most of the cases this is true. If only we had a little more patience and waited or looked elsewhere, we may have found what we have been looking for. Why should failures define us? So you may have failed, in an exam or relationship; or maybe they fired you from your job. Whatever! Fact is you feel like your life is over. Like you have been a loser all your life! Nothing good can ever happen to you or that life has really handed you a really bad hand and you are done for. There is no way you can surface again. You wonder what you ever did to deserve this. But is it the end of the road? Aren’t there other roads you can take? Take a step back and look at your ‘failure.’ Can’t you move ahead from it? Look around you, aren’t there people who care about you, who you can reach out to? Everyone has felt this at one point of time or the other, but there are those that give up and those that fight to surface again.

WHO figures suggest that 17% of global suicides are from India, a country that makes up for 17.5% of the global population (2012 figures). The highest number of suicides is in the 15-29 and 30-44 age groups. These are the registered numbers. Up until 2014, suicides were considered illegal in India and it is safe to assume that in reality the figures are far greater than those reported.

In a place like India, where we not only have the immediate family but also the support of the extended family and we have the means to reach out them, it is a matter of grave concern that these young men and women find it difficult to reach out for that help. Can we not find enough reasons to live? Do parents, siblings and friends mean naught in the face of a failure?

Relatives and friends who are left behind are left with ‘if only…’ If only we had done this or if only we had seen this and so on… a never-ending cycle of guilt and self-blame takes over their lives and in most cases destroys them too.

While the WHO report says a maximum of suicide take place in the low and middle income group, it is also seen that people who are very successful by society standards also take this extreme step sometimes. Case in point has been the string of suicides in the last few years of some successful models and actresses over failed relationship. Even the success in their respective careers and the bright futures that they could have, wasn’t enough to give them hope for happiness or kindle in them a desire to live.

Maybe how we view happiness and success needs to change. The need to associate happiness with a single person or looking at success as something that society defines for us is perhaps what drives us to the brink.

Inequality in income, living standards, accessibility to health care and basic necessities makes us unhappy and depressive. The global report on happiness too incorporates these parameters as a great contributor to our health and mental happiness. While we may wax eloquent on how far we have progressed, we are still staring at a lot of illiteracy, poverty, crimes against women, superstitions and corruption, even seven decades after independence. Small triggers can set off a chain of depressive thoughts and how hopeless life has become, leading the person to take extreme steps.

On the one hand, where we do have a strong family support system in our society, on most occasions our immediate relations can put tremendous pressure on us to perform in a certain way. Immense importance is given to a ‘successful’ marriage and family life. It is no wonder than that if we were to look at the suicide statistics in India, we find that family problems, marriage and related issues, form a huge reason for depression and suicidal deaths. Maybe telling our kids it is okay to fail isn’t enough. Maybe what needs to be done is to re-define what failure and success mean.

In the childhood and teen years it is the stress to do extremely well in studies and subsequent exams and then once that phase is over, the need to choose a successful career and then relationship and marriage. Even then it does not stop. We are then pressed to start a family and then provide for that family. So it is a never ending cycle of stress and search for happiness. A case of the dog chasing its own tail. We are pressurized to do well in every aspect of our life and if we were to fail in even one area we are branded a failure. Failing in an exam is a no-no, divorce is taboo and so is not being ‘successful’ in providing for your family (read earning ‘enough’ money. Though no one can tell you how much is ‘enough’).

So caught up are we in the search for this success that we fail to look around us and search for happiness in the little things of our life. If one relationship fails, look at the love and understanding of others who are there around you. Reach out to those people who are waiting for you to come to them. For no matter how unloved and lonely you feel, there is always someone out there, who is ready to extend his/her hand to you. All you have to do is ask. Don’t leave them with the ‘if only….’